Disclaimer: Just a Thot is a segment where I analyze, criticize, interrogate and question myself or the things I care/think about a lot, but it’s mostly a place to chastise myself. It’s usually for nobody’s benefit but mine to write out my thoughts, rant a little, complain a bit etc. If there is a thought you agree, disagree or relate with, great. If not, you just wasted your time. Or you learned something new. Idk here are some words I wrote.
Summer is my second least favorite season, closely following winter, sister to spring and antagonist to my favorite, autumn. Coincidently, the two opposing seasons I hate the most feature an eponymous vacation from school, work, general quotidian musings etc. Winter break and summer vacation, both deceptively comforting and uncomfortable at the same time, sort of like an ex boyfriend.
As one season closes and another opens, summer break sparks this vehement desire to start anew. Not the spring-clean type of detox or New Years’ clichéd resolutions, but the carpe diem yolo type of refresher. You might find yourself out of work or school and instead with an exorbitant amount of free time. Most people take advantage of this free time and adopt a Phineas and Ferb laissez-faire mentality by doing cool new shit, but I find myself regressing.
Every year I say I’m going to “live my summer to the fullest”, and every year I find myself doing the same old things. I used to hate myself for being a creature of habit when the chains of responsibility have been hammered off my ankles and I’ve done my time in academic jail. I kiss the campus grounds for that sweet taste of freedom, and like all good things, the sweetness only lasts a second. The next day, I wake up at 6 am (thanks to my internal alarm clock) and find myself with nothing to do. I mean nothing. I got an internship but that’s only 20 hrs/wk. Sleep in, they say, go out, they say. Yet, I get up before the sun rises and put my pjs on before it sets. Hell, some days I don’t even take them off. During the school year, I had 5 jobs, oh and this little thing called school. Though I was manically stressed and functioning off 3 hours of sleep, I was doing something. I’m not sure if I was happy, but those two words doing something, make me happy. So yeah, I guess I was. And now my inherent, probably genetic work-aholism is put into a corner. AND NOBODY PUTS MY INNER WORKAHOLIC IN A CORNER.
It’s like my soul is encaged by perpetual immobility. Not the physical kind, more mental stagnation. You see, I’m addicted to productivity. I need to do things purposefully. I have this problem where I can’t just do something because yolo.
(As I write this I realize how pretentious I sound and I’m not going to apologize for it because it’s an actual problem and I have no obligation to belittle myself for you, reader)
I digress. I constantly need to do something. Partially out of my perennial boredom and partially out of this fear of not doing something that will better myself (or anything, really). I’d even prefer to screw up or make a total mess than watch another damn episode of Friends.
I’m constantly in competition with myself: how many books could I read, how many words could I type, how many things could I do at once etc.
I get high off responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, it sometimes scares the shit out of me, but that makes me love it even more – how most drugs work. This obviously stems from being the eldest sibling and cousin, having worked from a young age blah blah fsdkfgshskl. Or maybe it doesn’t, idk. But responsibility and productivity work hand in hand. And during a time when the need for responsibility and productivity essentially go extinct, well, so do I.
(I’m a nerd, I hate me too)
Quit your jobs, they said. Sleep in, they said. Goddamnit, DJ Khaled was right, they don’t want you to be happy.
And now I’m going insane. At the end of the semester I made a list of the things I can finally do now that I have time (try Bang Bang, go to that new vegan place in Kensington etc.). But, these aren’t things I don’t already do. For someone who doesn’t believe in moral obligation, I find myself saying, “I have to do something” constantly. I’ve always said “don’t do things because you need to, do them because you want to” (another topic for another time). But now I find that the line between need and want is completely gone. At the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is my desire to work.
I need deadlines and due dates, sleepless nights and busy mornings, weekly meltdowns and anxiety attacks. Or else I’m bored. I want to do them because I’m bored or I need to do them because I’m bored? Huh, I can’t see the difference.
There are only so many times I can “do lunch” or “get coffee” or “try that new place on Queen” without doing other stuff too. By other stuff I mean things that challenge me or teach me. I honestly feel like a Real Housewife, more specifically one that’s married to an old, dying man with a maid and grown kids. Except she has his money to burn and I have ice cream to eat. Like said housewife, I have nothing to do. I could go to a pilates class, yeah I like pilates. But then what? Or I can join a book club, I like to read. Oh, oh, oh I know!! I can finally take up sewing; I’ve always wanted to learn how to sew so I can tailor my own jeans. But that doesn’t seem like enough.
I need to be up until 2 am crying over an essay I didn’t read the book for and stress over my unfinished presentation for work. Ok, maybe not exactly that, but the point is I need to be doing something I feel strongly about. I need to do something I love, or as an inexperienced student, do something painstakingly difficult in order to get me to a place that will let me do what I love.
It’s not like I don’t know how to relax, I just can’t do too much of it. Honestly, my favorite thing to do is veg out with Coco after a long day with the quintessential triumvirate of face masks, pizza and Netflix. Key words being after a long day.
All in all, there seems to be a common denominator in my psychosis and that’s this weird need to cross things off a checklist. Doing my make up in the morning while going over my “mental to-do” of what I need to do and figuring out how to do it, then actually doing it (or attempting at least), then going over the day while taking off my makeup is my favorite habit. Making a game plan, executing game plan, then going over said game plan for improvement is my purpose. I would take my jobs or do summer school, but I know I need to chill. This summer, I’m seeking balance. I have a job, I don’t need a million. And now instead of reading my school books, I can get through the ones I ordered off Amazon months ago.